God, I am afraid he won't give me his answer today. If only somebody would help me - it is all so terribly depressing. |
He came on Saturday. Saturday evening there was the Town Ball. Frau Schwarz gave me a box, so I absolutely had to go after I had accepted. Well, I spent a few wonderfully delightful hours with him until 12 o'clock and then with his permission I spent two hours at the ball. |
He came to see me, but nary a sign of a dog or a chest of drawers. He did not even ask me what I wanted for my birthday. So I bought some jewelry for myself. A necklace, earrings, and a matching ring, all for 50 marks. All very pretty, and I hope he likes it. If he doesn't, then he should choose something for me himself. |
He has so often told me he is madly in love with me, but what does that mean when I haven't had a good word from him in three months? |
He only needs me for certain purposes, otherwise it is not possible. This is idiocy. |
I am racking my brains to find out why he left without saying good-by to me. |
I am so infinitely happy that he loves me so much, and I pray that it will always be like this. It won't be my fault if he ever stops loving me. |
I have made up my mind to take 35 pills this time, and it will be "dead certain." If only he would let someone call." |
I have now reached the happy age of 23. No, happy is not quite the right word. At this particular moment I am certainly not happy. |
I sat with him for three hours and we did not exchange a single word. At the end he handed me, as he had done before, an envelope with money in it. It would have been much nicer if he had enclosed a greeting or a loving word. I would have been so pleased if he had. |
If I had a dog I would not feel so lonely, but I suppose that is asking for too much. |
In the end we went to the railroad station, as he suddenly decided he would have to go. We were just in time to see the last lights of the train disappearing. Once again Hoffmann left the house too late, and so I couldn't even say good-by to him. Perhaps I am taking too dark a view, I hope I am, but he is not coming again for another two weeks. |
So he has had a head full of politics all this time, but surely it is time he relaxed a little. What happened last year? Didn't Roehm and Italy give him a lot of problems, but in spite of all that he found time for me. |
There is only one thing I want. I would like to be seriously ill, and to hear nothing more about him for at least a week. Why doesn't something happen to me? Why do I have to go through all this? If only I had never set eyes on him! |
Today I bought two lottery tickets, because I had a feeling that it would be now or never - they were both blanks. So I am not going to be rich after all. Nothing at all to be done about it. |