52 ordspråk av Emo Philips

Emo Philips

Emo Philips föddes den 7 Februar 1956 - US comic
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

Luck

I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

Funny

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something...

Women

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