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en Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.
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en I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
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  Joan Rivers

en The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook
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  Julia Child

en I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
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  Lewis Grizzard

en Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
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  Lyndon Baines Johnson

en The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
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en I started out with nothing. I still have most of it.
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en I would like to apologize for referring to George W. Bush as a deserter. What I meant to say is that George W. Bush is a deserter, an election thief, a drunk driver, a WMD liar, and a functional illiterate. And he poops his pants
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en Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative.
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en One reason why I don't drink is because I wish to know when I am having a good time.
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en My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
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  Paula Poundstone

en The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films.
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  Paul Newman

en I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough, let's go west.'
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en I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
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en See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
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  Robin Williams


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