Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure. |
DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's pulse and purse. |
DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels. |
DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate to himself without blushing. |
DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate to himself without blushing. Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ All that he had of wisdom and of wit. So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died, Erased all entries of his own and cried: "I'll judge you by your diary." Said Hearst: "Thank you; 'twill show you I am Saint the First" -- Straightway producing, jubilant and proud, That record from a pocket in his shroud. The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er, Each stupid line of which he knew before, Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit; Then gravely closed the book and gave it back. "My friend, you've wandered from your proper track: You'd never be content this side the tomb -- For big ideas Heaven has little room, And Hell's no latitude for making mirth," He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth. --"The Mad Philosopher" |
DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of despotism to the plague of anarchy. |
DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work. |
DIE, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." |
DIE, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long intervals, however, some one says: "The die is cast," which is not true, for it is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet and domestic economist, Senator Depew: A cube of cheese no larger than a die May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie. |
DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead --a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia. |
DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country. |
DISABUSE, v.t. The present your neighbor with another and better error than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace. |
DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another. |
DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors. |
DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude. |