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The best way to lose weight is to develop an orthodox belief in some religion that doesn't allow any fun

Gregory Nunn

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Harry S Truman (1884-1972)

If the gods had intended for people to vote, they would have given us candidates

Howard Zinn (1922-)

When your IQ rises to 28, sell.

Irwin Corey (1912-)

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

Jack Benny (1894-1974)

A blunderer is a man who starts a meat market during Lent

James Montgomery Bailey (1841-)

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.

Janeane Garofalo (1964-)

At this moment I do not have a personal relationship with a computer.

Janet Reno (1938-)

Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because, if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn't you believe him?

Jay Leno (1950-)

Today President Bush ordered an investigation into whether it is appropriate to have civilians with no experience running a Navy sub. Hey, how about an investigation into whether it's appropriate to have a civilian with no experience running the country?

Jay Leno (1950-)

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself-like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks

Jean Kerr (1923-2003)

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

Jeff Foxworthy (1958-)

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

Jerry Seinfeld (1954-)

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Jerry Seinfeld (1954-)

Indecision may or may not be my problem.

Jimmy Buffett (1946-)

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