"I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend." |
[Worst of all, the team appeared in] The Bad News Bears in Breaking Training, ... Let them play! Let them play! |
A Pennsylvania woman convicted for shoplifting was sentenced to wear a badge that reads "Convicted Shoplifter." However, her lawyers hope to plea bargain down to a bumper sticker reading "I'd Rather Be Stealing!" |
Arnold Schwarzenegger's publicist told USA Today that the actor has not ruled out running for governor of California, saying that he will make a decision soon. Reportedly Arnold needs that time to learn how to pronounce "gubernatorial." |
Don't Keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason |
Hey baby, do you like fine cooking? Cause you know what? I got Swanson's Dinner in the freezer with your name on it." |
I get that all the time, ... People come up and say, 'Me and my wife think you're so funny.' They think I'm him. But that's OK. |
I often try to reassure myself by saying, "Well, at least it can´t get any worse." But the truth is, it always can. And that´s what really terrifies me. |
I´m starting to think that I´m the butt of a joke the whole world is in on. |
It makes me nervous seeing a 20-foot me, like I'm getting too big or something, ... Not that I mind being recognized. When I'm 60 I'll be begging for this. |
New Scientist magazine reported that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. That's encouraging, considering an eight-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I've got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs. |
Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model. |
Researches tested a new form of medical marijuana that treats pain but doesn't get the user high, prompting patients who need medical marijuana to declare, "Thank you?" |
Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I´d have an excuse. |
Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, donated many of this writings to the University of Michigan. The pagers are an invaluable resource for students majoring in Crazy. |