A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. |
A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, "Are you comfortable?" The man answers, "I make a nice living." |
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!". |
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. |
Committee--a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours. |
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. |
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank? |
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live |
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are. |
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? |
If it wasn't for the olives in his martinis, he'd starve to death! |
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. |
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. |
Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient. |
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. |