People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. |
Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left |
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. |
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope |
The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. |
The reason we're doing this now is because I'm booked to play Pasadena the week of my 100th birthday |
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible. |
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible. |
This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two. |
Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair |
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair. |
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. |
You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old. |
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there. |