And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.' |
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. |
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. |
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one'. |
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy. |
I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down. |
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds. |
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet. |
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' |
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' |
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". |
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.' |
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions". |
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red. |
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice. |