No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday. |
On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. |
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go. |
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. |
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. |
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. |
Phrases and their actual meanings: "My teacher has never liked me." Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly. |
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart. |
Skiing: I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill |
Skiing: I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill |
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. |
Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. |
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. |
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. |
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. |