Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli. |
Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity. Think about your father: He doesn't know where anything is. You ask him to do something, he messes it up and your mother sends you: "go down and see what your father's doing before he blows up the house." He's a genius at work because he doesn't want to do it, and he knows someone will be coming soon to stop him. |
For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked. |
Give me 200 active 2-year-olds and I could conquer the world. |
Gray hair is God's graffiti |
Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit. |
Honor isn't about making the right choices. It's about dealing with the consequences. |
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. |
I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't. |
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. |
I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread. |
I asked her to dance and we did. Then I asked for her phone number and wanted to see her, |
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. |
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. |
I feel that in-person contact with people is the most important thing in comedy. While I'm up on stage, I can actually put myself into the audience and adjust my pace and tuning to them. I can get into their heads through their ears and through their eyes. Only through this total communication can I really achieve what I'm trying to do. |