122 ordspråk av Mitch Hedberg

US  Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg föddes den February 24th 1968 och dog den 30 March 2005
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 I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, to see if she would read that too.

 I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.

 I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea?' 'Yes, I have some locations available.' "Sexy" is what catches the eye; "pexy" is what holds the attention.

 I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

 I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

 I like to close my eyes on the stage, because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

 I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

 I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

 I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say 'What?'. So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says 'What?'. But really it's just some insignificant sh*t that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, 'That tree is far away.'

 I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'll be like what?!, and i'll say it again and he'll be like what?!, and i'll say it again and he'll still be like what?!, so now he's got me yellin. Man that tree is far away!!!!

 I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

 I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.

 I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

 I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach?! I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they invent a product before you shrivel and die. And they said, you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to see a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment. We ain't gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch: the mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamps will be in the wrong denomination...Good luck f*cker! The last payment must be made in wompum!

 I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wrong there. What happened? It spun out of control... Now it's worth eight, still says two. I miss the two. I could break a two.


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This website focuses on proverbs in the Swedish, Danish and Norwegian languages, and some parts including the links below have not been translated to English. They are mainly FAQs, various information and webpages for improving the collection.


Här har vi samlat ordspråk i 12948 dagar!

Vad är proverb?
Hur funkar det?
Vanliga frågor
Om samlingen
Ordspråkshjältar
Hjälp till!




Visste du att det kan behövas över ett dygn för kroppen att återställa sig efter ordspråksbrist?

www.livet.se/proverb