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Funny

I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. You're doing a heck of a job. You cut your teeth here, right? That's where you started practicing? That's good. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.

George W. Bush (1946-)

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)

I was hooked on writing. I mean, where else can you get paid for sticking your nose into somebody else's business?

Bette Greene (1934-)

I was raised in the West. The West of texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

George Bush (1924-1924)

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

Stephen Wright (1955-)

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

Jay Leno (1950-)

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks

Joe E. Lewis (1902-1971)

I would like to apologize for referring to George W. Bush as a deserter. What I meant to say is that George W. Bush is a deserter, an election thief, a drunk driver, a WMD liar, and a functional illiterate. And he poops his pants

Michael Moore (1954-)

I would rather have an inferiority complex and be pleasantly surprised, than have a superiority complex and be rudely awakened.

Vanna Bonta

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Steven Wright (1955-)

I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes

Woody Allen (1935-)

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Woody Allen (1935-)

I'm the master of low expectations.

George W. Bush (1946-)

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Woody Allen (1935-)

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

Fran Lebowitz (1950-)

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