I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying... |
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist. |
I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach?! I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they invent a product before you shrivel and die. And they said, you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to see a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment. We ain't gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch: the mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamps will be in the wrong denomination...Good luck f*cker! The last payment must be made in wompum! |
I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wrong there. What happened? It spun out of control... Now it's worth eight, still says two. I miss the two. I could break a two. |
I sick of "soup of the day" it's time we made a decision, i want to know what "soup from now on" is |
I snake bite emergency kit is a body bag. |
I think Bigfoot is blurry - that's the problem. It's not the photographers' fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra-scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roamin' the countryside. 'Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.' |
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. |
I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs. |
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil - and the devil was dill. |
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "F**k it. Cut em up." |
I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner. |
I tried walking into a Target , but I missed. |
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly... |
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. |