I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later. |
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. |
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. |
If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'. |
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable... |
It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky... |
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. |
Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I'm covered. |
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck. |
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree. |
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to. I'm like, 'Hey, hold on fellas - Let me hold one of you.' |
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero? |
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah. |
My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause. |
My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work. |