The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. |
They say atomic radiation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them. |
To this day I can't get aroused until I see a pair of rubber dice hanging from the mirror |
To this day I can't get aroused until I see a pair of rubber dice hanging from the mirror |
We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style |
We're more effective than birth control pills. |
What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous? |
When turkeys mate they think of swans. |
Your chances of getting struck by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!" |
[Don't forget, Mr. Carson, your body is the only home you'll ever have.] Yes, my home is pretty messy. But I have a woman who comes in once a week. |
[Letterman recalled how Carson was asked once by a] Tonight ... I started out in a gaseous state and then I cooled. |