Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink. |
So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey. |
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. |
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. |
Somebody left the cork out of my lunch. |
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. |
Start off everyday with a simple smile and get it over with. |
Stop following me, are you following me? That'll get you twelve years at Leavenworth, or eleven years at twelveworth, or five and ten at Woolworth's. |
The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog. |
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. |
The best thing to break is a contract. |
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. |
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. |
The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his buttons. |
The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water. |