It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. |
It's a funny old world - a man's lucky if he gets out of it alive. |
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. |
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. |
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. |
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. |
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. |
My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it? |
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. |
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. |
Never give a sucker an even break. |
Never mind what I told you -- you do as I tell you. |
Never smarten up a chump. |
Never trust a man who doesn't drink. |
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. |