Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids can't be all bad. |
Anything worth having is a thing worth cheating for. |
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. |
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. |
Children should neither be seen or heard from -- ever again. |
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. |
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -- to make people laugh. |
Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings. |
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. |
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? |
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days. |
Either you're drunk or your braces are lopsided. |
Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink. |
Go back to reform school, you little nose-picker! |
Happiness means quiet nerves. |